Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
