a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
