he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
