Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
