goodnight i made you a song goodbye
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
