Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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