apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
