I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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