matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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