Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
