It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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