you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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