there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
