every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
