can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
