that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I met the friendliest cop last night
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
