i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
