It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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