I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
