well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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