i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I had to cum in my sink.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
