how can u be prego again
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize