Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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