Just took my morning after pill in the library
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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