I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
