I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
