Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
