I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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