The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
