All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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