Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Vodka?
Forever.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
