I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
