Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Randomize
