8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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