I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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