and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
