Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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