You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
