the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
