Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
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