somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
