which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
