So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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