my shit smells like andre
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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