I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
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