yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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