Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
