I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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