im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
