Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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