Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
