Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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