At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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